


All My love

by Squintern



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dave & Klaus Hargreeves During Vietnam, Letters, M/M, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 19:57:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18506005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squintern/pseuds/Squintern
Summary: Mail to:Dot James4175 Savannah CrstKnoxville, TN 37915





	All My love

Dear Dot,

I think the war’s finally done me in. The endless jungle has broken my mind somehow. I think I’m seeing things.

There’s a new guy in the squad. Came outta nowhere, I swear. I was just about asleep when there was this sound, this flash of light. Some guy I’d never seen before just… on the ground next to my cot. I can’t imagine how I missed him but, like I said, the jungle’s breaking me.

His name is Klaus. He must’ve just got in. Didn’t have a uniform, didn’t have a helmet, a gun. Hell the poor kid didn’t even have his tags. Sarg didn’t ask him about it. I don’t know if anyone else even noticed at the time. Choppers were incoming just as he—  I don’t even know, Dottie.

He’s taken over all of Jeremy’s things. His uniform, his bunk. Hardly anyone batted an eye. I think we’ve all gone numb. Jeremy died and they just sent a new guy in to replace him. I suppose that’ll be what happens for the rest of us when the time comes. I hope the kid who replaces me sees the end of the war. I’m sorry, I’m being morbid. I know you hate when I “make light of our inevitable mortality.” I miss you saying things like that to me. No one talks like that here.

I’m still reeling, I can hardly think of anything else that happened this week. I’m sorry I’m coming back to you with a broken mind. I hope you’ll still take care of me.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

It’s been a long week. It feels like it’s been months since I last wrote you, but we haven’t had a chance to send mail so I’m looking at last week’s letter and I know it hasn’t been that long. I swear the jungle is getting more dense.

Klaus is greener than I thought. He’s been lagging all day, out of breath and nearly falling over. We’re all tired and it’s slow going anyway, so I don’t think anyone has noticed. But I hang back with him anyway. If Sarg is going to get angry at least he’ll be yelling at both of us. I don’t think Klaus deals so well with being berated.

The poor kid can’t handle a gun to save his life. He’s been pretending to aim with the rest of us when the fighting starts, but I have never seen him take a shot. On the other hand, though, he’s surprisingly scrappy for such a tiny thing. He’s skinny like you wouldn’t believe, looks like a stiff breeze could knock him over, but he can fight like a ~~son of a bitch~~ sorry. We got ambushed by a few enemy scouts a day or so ago (everyone is fine) and he jumped into the fray like it was nothing. I thought he was just afraid of all the violence, but he broke a scout’s nose with his forehead so I think it’s really just that he’s never held a gun before.

He’s going to get killed out here if someone doesn’t watch his back. The other guys in the squad aren’t sure what to make of him yet, but I think they’re coming around. Still, he needs someone keeping an eye on him, and fast. We’re going to reach the battle early next week.

I promise I won’t die on you, Dottie.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

I’m fine, please stop worrying. We got there in time to end the battle, no casualties on the squad. We’re all relieved. Sarg let us take a night of R&R he was so happy. Klaus left as soon as we got into the nearest city. He has this briefcase with him, big and bulky. None of us have any idea what it is, but he held it like a lifeline when he got off the bus.

I think he’s a user. He twitchy like one and there’s something in his eyes that seems to say he’s not quite there sometimes. I guess they’re getting desperate, ready to send anyone out here whether they’ve got health risks or not. I don’t blame him, though. It’s insane here and I wouldn’t mind taking the edge off with something harder than liquor sometimes. (I never do. You know that.)

When he took off, a lot of the other guys said he wouldn’t be back. It’s happened, unfortunately. New recruit, not ready like he thought he was, sees battle for the first time and runs away. We’ve had only two from our squad while I’ve been here. I guess that’s a pretty good stat according to Sarg. Most of us went to a bar to drink and didn’t expect to see Klaus again, but he walked in halfway through the night, looking messed up in a totally different way. He smiled at me and took my drink right out of my hand and all I could do was smile back. The boys all seemed happy to see him too.

Later that night we went out into the jungle and we all stood around and taught him how to use his gun properly. He didn’t flinch when the shot went off, but he did nearly fall back from the recoil. He laughed, though, loud and wild. And he kept at it until there was a bruise all up his shoulder and arm, but he was standing. By the end of the night, he’s shot every target we could think to line up and he was still standing. Junkie or not, he’s gonna he fine. And we’re all looking out for him.

We’re walking all the way back to camp this week and I’m running out of paper. I’ll write what I can.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

Klaus got the 173rd tattoo today. Big and bold on his arm. It looks good there, right. A few of us went with him. It’s a proud moment for us all, seeing someone new get the tattoo. It’s like they finally, really belong with us. It means they’re in it for the long haul. Something about Klaus getting it, though, was unexpected. To me. I didn’t expect to feel so ….relieved I think is the word I want. Like up until now I was holding my breath, waiting for him to bolt. But now, he’s our brother. He’s here to stay and he won’t run any time soon. He smiled at me just as they finished, a little thing, clear and warm and brimming over in his eyes.

He’s got a couple other tattoos, this one was easy for him. He has tattoos on his palms, I laughed when I first noticed them. “Hello” and “Goodbye.” He told me he couldn’t remember the night he got them, which surprises absolutely no one. But they’re somehow perfect for him. They fit his personality -- quirky and a little silly, but bold and eye-catching.

There’s also this temple on his sternum. It’s lovely. There’s something written in Vietnamese in it, but he won’t tell me what it actually means. He said he got it on our first weekend in a city after he shipped in. Only been in the country for a week or so and he went out, found himself drugs and a tattoo parlor and got himself a tattoo. I don’t even want to think about how he paid for the things. He claims the tattoo says “Klaus loves Dave” or something like that. He can’t be serious, and I keep pressing to get him to tell me the truth, but he’s sticking to his story. I just shake my head and can’t help but smile. He’d known me for a week, then. I know he’s not crazy enough to do even something like that.

~~There’s one more on his wrist. An umbrella that doesn’t talk about. Not even to me. I think it had to do with his family. I know he was abus—~~

You’re starting to form a picture of him now, aren’t you? He’s all I talk about… Sorry about that. It’s just day after day trekking through the jungle doesn’t leave much to write home about. And I’m not going to sit down and write about everything I see on the battlefield. I hope I’m not annoying you too much. I’ll try to write about something else next time.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

Things have been rough the past few days. We’re pulling back to camp, but we know that we’re needed at the battle. Sarg is arguing with the general. General wants us back in battle, Sarg wants us to push on back to camp so we can pack up and move out. Either way we all know we won’t be resting anytime soon.

We’re practically dragging Ricky. His foot is ~~damn~~ darn near useless now. No one is saying it, but he’s going to lose it. Won’t be the first. It’s monsoon season I guess, because it’s been raining almost non stop. The temperature is insane — during the day is hot as ever but raining buckets, at night it gets so cold we’re shivering and the rain feels like ice. We’re all miserable.

Klaus, though, he’s somehow keeping the mood up as much as he can. He marches up to the front of the line and after a few minutes we hear a laugh come from the men in front and they turn to jostle the men behind them, share the joke down the line. Klaus will always come right back next to me, grinning. I ask what he told them and he just claps me on the shoulder before shouting over his shoulder to pick up the pace. If the order comes from Klaus, no one complains. Even Sarg doesn’t get on his case for giving orders. His smile is enough to lift my mood anytime. But when he sees morale dropping again, it’s another joke, another laugh, and he keeps smiling at me.

The miles are long, the nights longer, and we’re cold and hungry, but Klaus keeps smiling. The squad gathers around him when we bed down for the night, like he’s our source of light. Sometimes, I catch him looking around at the squad and he’s got this ….overwhelmed look on his face. Like he can’t believe that we all care so much about him. And sometimes he’ll catch my eye and…  melt  . ~~I think he might feel the same~~ I’d better get to bed. Long days ahead. I’ll write again soon.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

A whole weekend of R&R is staring us in the face. It’s like Christmas came early. We’ve all been counting down the days until this weekend. We even get to stay in a city, in real beds. I think I saw Sarg even cracking a smile when he handed out the room keys.

Klaus and I got put in the same room. I think everyone can tell we’ve gotten to be really close. Klaus sticks by me more than anyone else in the squad and I’ve found myself at his side more often than not these days. He’ll sit up with me sometimes when it’s my turn to stand watch, says he has trouble sleeping, but I think maybe he just wants to be around me.

He’s crazy and reckless in more ways than I can count. Some days ~~when he’s sober~~ he keeps a bit more distance between us. He keeps his eyes to himself and doesn’t end up touching me, like he knows what could happen if anyone finds out. But other days it’s like he doesn’t care that someone could turn around and take one look and have good reason to shoot us both. He doesn’t even think to hide it really, and I admire and fear for him at the same time. The boys just accept him, though, like everything about him is some quirk Klaus can’t shake. I don’t think they’d be as accepting if they really knew the truth.

I’m getting myself down just before R&R. I need to stop worrying about it right now. Right now, we’re going to go out and drink and pretend there isn’t a war going on right outside. The bus is leaving soon, so I’ll send this when I get to the city. Write soon.

All my love,

Dave

 

Dottie-

I meant to send this right away, but we stopped in our room for just a moment before Klaus was dragging me to the bar. It was just like a disco back home. The music, the lights, they even had a disco ball. And beaded curtains…

We kissed, Dot. All night we were at each other’s sides. Dancing, drinking… I told myself it was just the alcohol, that I was imagining the way he was looking at me. The  intensity  in his eyes, Dot, I’ve never seen anything like it. No one has ever looked at me like that. I knew, of course. Like I said, he doesn’t hide it, but the depth of his stares tonight. I couldn’t help myself. He’s so beautiful. So when we stepped away from the dancers, the other soldiers, found ourselves tucked away behind the beaded curtains, out of sight of most of the bar, I had to reach out, touch him… Draw him close and kiss him.

He took my hand after, smiling, pulling me after him to our room. And-- oh God, Dottie. You know I’ve never-- but he made it so easy. It was amazing.  He’s  amazing. And he seemed so happy. Like I’ve never seen. Maybe he was high, but this was different… It was like--

* * *

Dear Dot,

I’m sorry the last letter got cut off like that. There was more I wanted to say, but it’s probably better for us both that I didn’t.

The strangest thing happened today. Klaus -- of course it was Klaus -- probably saved all our lives. We had to divert our path. The enemy had changed their position and we didn’t get intel until it was too late to map a new route, so we were travelling blind. Klaus and I were toward the back of the line, quiet for once, just enjoying the momentary lack of gunfire and helicopters. I didn’t notice until he’d already ran ahead, but he must’ve heard or seen something. He ran to the front of the line, begging Sarg to stop. We were all confused, but -- like I said -- when the order comes from Klaus, everyone just listens. I don’t know what it is about him, but I don’t think he even realizes he has that kind of power. Anyway, he stops us and Sarg demands to know what-for. Klaus grabs a good sized rock and lobs it as far as he can.

It was a minefield. And he  knew. I don’t know how. But he threw that rock, then grabbed Sarg by his vest and hit the ground, arm over his head just as the mine went off. We dragged everyone to safety with minor injuries before the whole field was in flames. Klaus is just laying there, one hand still fisted in Sarg’s vest, the other already picking at a bloody cut from some stray debris. We were all staring at him and he was staring off somewhere to the side. We didn’t have time to question because we were swarmed a moment later. I’m sure they were surprised that all of us survived. We were surprised that all of us survived.

By the time we got moving again, Klaus had fallen back to my side and he didn’t look up for talking. The men kept coming up to us, asking how he knew and he just brushed them off. “Had a bad feeling,” was all he said. Eventually we fell to the very rear of the line and I felt his fingers brush against mine. What he told me, Dot -- I can’t repeat it. If anyone saw it in writing, ~~and if anyone knew I actually believed him~~ , I’d be committed first thing when I got home.  But what he told me -- he trusts me. Knows I’ll keep it secret not just because it’s absolutely  crazy  but because it’s not my place to tell anyone else.

He was so scared, so unsure. So I told him a secret of my own. It couldn’t have been surprising after the other night, but it’s the first time I said it out loud and I think he knew it. His fingers curled between mine for just a moment, and he smiled that small, secret smile he only gives me. He didn’t say anything, just nodded and smiled, and smiled, and smiled. The weight’s been lifted, Dottie. I feel like I can breathe again, even knowing what could happen if I told anyone besides him (and you).

We’re alive and breathing another day, and I’ll see this letter sent. Write again soon.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

~~Dottie -~~

~~_I love him_ ~~

 

Dear Dot,

Dad wrote to me. I don’t know if he and Mother discussed it with you, but they’re giving us a house. Right down the street from the park. Lawn, porch, white picket fence. Everything you always said you wanted. Mother made sure he mentioned the shutters because you always talked about blue shutters. It sounds like a lovely home, a perfect place to start a family. It was probably supposed to be a surprise for you, but I had to tell you because ~~I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore~~ I know how excited you’ll be.

I don’t think Klaus has anywhere to go when we get back home. He said he’ll probably head back to his hometown, too, but something about how he said it makes me think there’s nothing there for him. I told him he could visit anytime, I meant I wanted him to come with me. I don’t know why I didn’t just say it. I want him in my life for as long as he’ll have me, in whatever capacity. ~~Of course if I had the choice I would live with him,~~ I promised to marry you and have a family with you. So we’ll live in the little house my parents are buying us. Simple life, quiet. Raise a few kids, have a dog. And maybe Klaus will visit. Maybe our kids can call him Uncle Klaus.

~~I don’t want that, and I think you know that. I want Klaus. I want a life with him, not in a little house with a picket fence and shutters, not stuck in the town I’ve hated all my life. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder, worry that someone is going to find out. I don’t want to have to marry you.~~

I should stop. I’m going to have to send this. You’re going to see what I crossed out. This is my last sheet of paper until we get another supply drop. I’m so sorry, Dottie.  So sorry. 

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

Maybe the letter was delayed, or maybe you just haven’t thought of a way to respond, or maybe your letter got lost on its way to me. I’m sorry for what I wrote. It was a long day, I was tired and angry. Of course I want to marry you and have a life with you. And I meant it when I said I would like Klaus in my life  in whatever capacity. I will not carry on with him when we’re married. You deserve a faithful man.

Still, I can’t get the idea out of my head. Leaving with Klaus. Just…. leaving. I haven’t told him about the house, or my parents’ plan for our lives. He knows I’m planning to marry you, he knows you’ve kept my secret for years and you’re marrying me so it never gets out. He also knows that I love him.

He talks about it, in passing, the possibility of us living out in the country (somewhere no one would notice). We both want it, but it’s not something we can really consider, is it? I’m going home to you, and he’s got a family of his own out there. We dream, though.  If  we always say.  If  we could live together without fear.  If  we didn’t already have lives, families.  If  we make it out of this alive. Planning a pretend life with him is probably the most fun I’ve had here.

But it’s just pretend. I know I’m coming home to you. And I know I can be happy with you. I just hope he knows that despite all of this I will always love him. I hope he understands. Again, I’m sorry about my last letter. I’ll write again soon.

All my love,

Dave

* * *

Dear Dot,

~~I We~~ I almost lost him. We all knew he was still finding drugs, stashing them up anytime we came to a city or town. It’s not like we were surprised. This is war, this is no time to get sober. ~~And besides with his~~ So it’s not like any of us were really trying to stop him. I mean, he shared with a lot of the guys. He wasn’t the only one walking into battle high. ~~We~~ I trusted him to know where his limit was.

We went out on a scout mission. We got some intel that the enemy line was pushing forward. So seven of us went, four stayed behind — Micah, both the Johns, and Klaus. I knew he’d had a rough night, I wanted to stay with him. But Sarg made me go, I’m the best shot he said. Klaus waved me off, too, told me he would be okay. I knew he would get high, I just—

We came back and John R was already giving him CPR. I— I must have blacked out or something. I barely remember anything. I was shouting at them, I think. I remember hitting Micah. It took Sarg, Ollie, and Jonah to pull me off him. It felt like forever before he opened his eyes. Sarg was ready to call it. And then the next minute he was sitting up, laughing breathlessly like dying was just part of the high. And I just— I was  so angry. I couldn’t stay there. I walked out and I walked until I couldn’t hear them at camp anymore.

I don’t know how long it was that I sat there, but I heard them coming after a while. Thought it was just the guys come to tell me to get back to camp before I got killed. But then Sarg dumped Klaus in my lap and he gave me this  look  . ~~It’s like he knew~~.

I pushed Klaus off, told him to go back to camp. I was still so angry, like I’d never been before, so angry and so, so scared. He didn’t even flinch, though. He got his skinny, twig arms around me and he just ~~fucking~~ held on. I’m sorry, he told me, I’m so sorry.

He promised he wouldn’t do it again. I believe him, God help me but I do. I know he wants what I want in life. ~~We both know we’re going to grow old together~~. I won’t leave you, he said, I won’t ever leave you. He promised.

It felt like my heart had been ripped out, Dot. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he hadn’t woken up. ~~Maybe I would have just~~ I hit Micha because he didn’t stop Klaus, I don’t even want to think about what I would have done if— I don’t think I can live without him. I just— I can’t live without him. I can’t.

Love,

Dave

* * *

Dottie,

I’m not coming home.

 

I wish there was a better way to tell you this. I want to take your hand and walk down by the pond, sit on our bench and look in your eyes when I say it. Still, it wouldn’t make it any easier. I’ll miss you, I know you know that. You know I love you. You know how sorry I am that I won’t be back with a ring, that I’m breaking my promise. But I made up my mind. I know you saw it coming. It’s not like I’ve been subtle.

We’re going to the country. No more trees, Klaus said and I have to agree. We’re going to get a plot of land, a house all to ourselves. Klaus knows nothing about farming or livestock but he promised to learn. Between you and me, I know he won’t. It’s okay. I don’t mind doing the work. I’ll find something else for him to do.

We’ve been sitting up at night planning it, and it’s not just  if  anymore. Not after— not with what’s happened. Klaus still has trouble sleeping so he’ll stay up and smoke when I’m keeping watch, sitting too close and talking too quiet. None of the other men can see us then. It’s just us out there, watching for threats and dreaming of the future.

Klaus wants a small house. Somewhere he can hear me, he says, whenever I’m around. I asked him about it— I can’t tell you what he’s told me. I want you to understand him as well as I do, but they’re not my secrets to tell. One day you’ll meet him, you’ll see. He’s extraordinary.

The way Klaus talks about it, it’s like this is the only thing he’s ever wished for. I think I feel the same sometimes, but there’s something more for him. His own place where he can just  be  maybe… God I want to be that for him, Dottie. I want to be a part of that. Two short months and we can ship back home. Two months and I can make our dream a reality.

I won’t be stopping home at all. We’re leaving straight from the dock, heading out west. I know if I stop home someone will make me stay. Mom, Dad, Auntie… they won’t understand. And I won’t put Klaus through the pain if I tell them the truth. It’s better if I just leave. Tell them I’m okay, though, please. Tell them I haven’t died just that… just that I needed to be somewhere new.

I never wanted to hold you back. You want a family, I know you do, and you deserve a family with a man you truly love who loves you just as much. Do me a favor, let Ryan take you out. You talk about him too much that he’s just a friend. I hope you know you never fooled me. You’re just going to say that I wouldn’t have held you back and you love me and you would have loved to marry me. But your life shouldn’t have to be about keeping my secrets.

I will always love you, Dot. I love you for everything you’ve done for me. You are my best friend and I miss you everyday, always will. I’ll write again soon.

All my love,

Dave

PS: I’m happy, Dottie. Really, really happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Found in the pocket of Dave’s fatigues when his body was retrieved. Sealed, never sent. The address was faded like it had been written months before he died._

 

Dear Dot,

I never knew it was possible to feel so much for someone. I’d give him everything, Dottie, God I think I already have. Every part me belongs to him.

I’m sitting up next to him now as I write this. I want to lay beside him and hold him in my arms for the few hours we have left before returning to reality, but I needed to put this in words. I need to tell someone how deeply this runs. I have never felt like this before, as if I will die if I leave him. I can’t fathom being apart from him. You always warned me that I love too deeply, I think I know what you mean now. I can’t help myself, though. Everything about him is captivating, astounding,  incredible. I love him with every fiber of my being and I will never stop loving him.

Klaus is a man out of time, I would swear it. He’s bold and fearless and so, so  beautiful. It’s as if it never crossed his mind to be afraid of this. He’s been with other men before, I could tell even if he hadn’t told me. There’s so much confidence in the way he kisses me, the way he puts his hands on me. He’s so sure of his own desires, so open about what he wants. ~~The way he sounds when he comes undone for me, the way he says my name—~~

I’m sorry, you don’t need to know that.

Please don’t waste your time in the next letter telling me not to fall in too deep, it’s much too late for that. It’s been ~~four~~ three months, it’s only been three, and I feel like I’ve known him for years. I swear there’s been a part of me just  waiting  for him my entire life. He’s the piece that’s always been missing. He understands without my needing to explain that when I’m angry it’s because I’m scared, that when I tell him to get away from me it’s not him I’m upset with, that when I’m the one who walks away I will  always  be back. He waits for me, Dottie. He’s always there, just on the edge of my sight if not right at my side.

I should sleep. I think he’s been awake this whole time listening to me write. He’s smiling a little. He looks beautiful in this flickering, low light. I could write about him forever, but he’s waiting for me to come to bed. I’ll write again soon.

All my love,

Dave

**Author's Note:**

> I mean, I assume these are not the only letters Dave wrote to Dot. This is just a selection of letters about Klaus (that Dot gave to Klaus in 2019 when he sought her out so he would have someone to talk to about Dave).


End file.
